DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started dating a guy who is really nice but old-school.
He told me that where he comes from (West Africa), men do not cook, and the expectation is that men work, bring home the money, give their wives sex and the women do everything else.
I am American, and I grew up believing that husbands and wives share in all of the duties of the home and life.
This came up because I was telling him that I thought he should learn how to cook and, moreover, that cooking with your partner can be fun. He immediately shot that down, saying that in his culture, that is unheard of.
I like this guy, but I’m worried that he is so rooted in his traditions that he has no space for mine. He even said if we end up together, he assumes that I will do what is traditional in his culture.
Do I walk away now, or attempt to negotiate with him about how we might live together if things work out?
— Traditions Clash
DEAR TRADITIONS CLASH: This man has told you who he is and what he values. You have told him the same. Now it’s time for frank conversations about whether you two think there is a chance.
Ask him directly about his willingness to be more open to some of your cultural beliefs. Talk openly about values and traditions. Find out everything you can about his expectations of a wife, and decide if you can live with that.
You must realize that if he is anchored in his culture with his family, there may not be space for yours.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter dropped out during her freshman year of college. She struggled academically her first semester, and she has decided not to go back.
I’m terrified for her future because I’ve always believed that in order to have a stable and successful career, a college degree is essential. I know that not everyone takes a traditional path, but without any sort of plan or direction, I worry she’s setting herself up for failure or hardship.
She’s completely unmotivated. She spends most of her time at home, scrolling on her phone or hanging out with friends. When I try to talk to her about what she wants to do next, she shuts me out or says she doesn’t know.
I’ve encouraged her to look into community college, even just to get her general education credits done while she figures out what she wants to do, but she seems uninterested.
I feel like I’m walking a fine line between supporting her and pushing her too hard, but I can’t sit by and do nothing. How can I help her find some direction and get back on her feet without making her feel like I’m being overbearing?
— What’s Next?
DEAR WHAT’S NEXT: Your daughter has to figure out her life for herself.
You can help her see her options, including the reality check of how much it costs to be independent and what most jobs pay.
Give her a timeline for getting a job and contributing to household expenses. This should be a wake-up call so that she doesn’t continue hiding out.
Encourage her to research work and career options and her earning potential. It will take time, but she will have to do the work herself.
You have to be patient now — and be clear about what you will and will not do for her in terms of paying her way.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
