DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I both have baby girls. Hers is 6 months old, and mine is 3 months.
My friend gave me a whole bunch of her little girl’s clothes — such a high volume of items that some still had the tags on.
She began offering me these clothes before I’d even had my baby; I initially refused, multiple times, because I was sure that we would have a boy.
She dropped them off anyway, without asking, and said, “Give them away if you don’t want them.” She also insisted several times that I let her know when we needed the next size up.
I ended up having a girl, and since I had those clothes, I didn’t buy very much for her.
Recently, my friend told me that her best friend was offended that she wasn’t given these hand-me-downs instead of me. (Her friend hopes to be pregnant soon, but is not yet.) Then she told me to give the clothes to her friend when we are done with them.
I was hoping to hold on to all the clothes because we plan on having more children. I also asked her for the next size up, as she had insisted, but was met with a very different response — as though I was begging for handouts that rightfully belonged to someone else.
The whole situation has made me very uncomfortable, as though I have no right to the clothes I have been dressing my child in since she was born.
I have now given all of the clothes to this person I don’t know; she was very terse with me, furthering my impression. I am honestly quite offended, and feel like I can’t be friends with the first woman anymore.
I am perfectly capable of purchasing clothes for my own kids, but I had come to depend on the ones she had insisted on giving me. Now my daughter’s closet is empty, and I missed all of the seasonal sales, so I am having to order everything full-price.
Is my friend being reasonable? Was this a normal request? Do I have any right to clothing that is given to me free and clear, at least initially?
GENTLE READER: No, no and no.
That is: No, your friend did not behave reasonably in pushing clothes on you, ignoring your polite refusals and then, when you had come to rely on them, changing her mind — going so far as to make you feel bad for having accepted. And no, it was not normal to pile on demands about what happened to the clothes after you were in receipt.
As to your third question, Miss Manners is admittedly not sure which clothes you refer to. She assumes we are talking about clothes promised, but not yet actually in hand. In that case, no: You cannot realistically enforce the promise of a future gift — you can only let the friendship go cold.
At this point, that seems the reasonable thing to do.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
