DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is a talented chef. She has a job cooking for a family of four. They appreciate her food, are not too terribly picky, and pay better than her former thankless jobs in “hospitality.”
The problem is that their kitchen is simply one area of a large, open family space. A lot of her prep work is done at an island, which has seating on the other side. The family members feel entitled to swan in and out, talk with each other and with her, play multiple devices at one time and generally expect her to interact with them — all while she works to prepare excellent meals.
I’d like to help my daughter in some way. I’ve suggested headphones, not only to reduce distraction but to send the message that she should be left to go about what is, after all, work! She’s afraid it would appear rude.
Miss Manners once wrote that Americans are not comfortable with domestic help because we’ve been raised to consider everyone equal, but that we still expect service and to have our tastes catered to. What can we do in this situation?
GENTLE READER: It is to our credit, Miss Manners believes, that Americans have an awkward relationship with those who serve or clean up after us. That is why we sometimes use the term “help” for such workers, as if they are merely kind people volunteering to lend a hand.
However well-meaning this family is, Miss Manners can understand that it creates a nuisance for your daughter, who is trying to do her job. But it also enables her to speak to them as if she were a friend — or, if she prefers, a temperamental chef.
Let’s go with a combination. She starts out saying how much she appreciates the family, but then says, “But as you know, I take my work very seriously.” At this point, they are all nodding and about to cover her with compliments.
She forges on, “And I have to work in silence, without distractions. So I really have to deny myself the pleasure of having you all gathered around. You are all just too much fun. I have to declare this area off-limits — but I’ll be as quick about it as I can.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was traveling with my granddaughter and a group of other grandparents and kids. The trip included some pretty intense amusement park rides, and my grandchild skipped most of them.
At lunch, one of the little boys kept asking my granddaughter why she didn’t ride the big coasters. After repeated questions, she yelled at him, “Why do you care?”
I was surprised and called her by all three of her names.
I screwed up. I could have supported her and modeled better ways to deal with invasive questions. Do you have any suggestions on better ways to handle such a situation?
GENTLE READER: All three of her names? That is serious.
But, Miss Manners believes, unnecessary. Your grandchild proved that she can take care of herself. You need only tell her not to yell.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
