DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I had a huge blowout argument. To defend myself, I told him that some of my friends have noticed his bad behavior and commented on it.
Rather than apologizing for what he constantly says and does to demean me, he is now outraged at my friends and never wants to see them again.
He has forbidden me from having them around, but I need them. They are my support system — especially when my husband is in a rage.
How do I handle this situation?
— At Odds
DEAR AT ODDS: Do you feel unsafe in your marriage? What is happening that has caused you to need to bring up your friends to your husband in defense of yourself?
It is time for you to assess your marriage and determine whether you are in a relationship that is healthy. Couples go through ups and downs, but yours sounds like it could be more serious than a fleeting challenge.
At a calm moment, try to get your husband to talk to you about your concerns — without mentioning any friends’ names. Ask him if he is willing to work on these issues, whatever they are.
Encourage him to go to counseling with you so that you can figure out ways to handle disagreements respectfully. If he refuses and still insists that you walk away from your friends, you should consider finding a safe way out of this relationship.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m at a crossroads in my relationship with my boyfriend.
We’ve been together for several years, and for the most part, our relationship has been strong and loving. We’ve talked about our future together many times, and I’ve always pictured us getting married, building a life and starting a family.
However, a recent conversation about marriage has left me feeling unsure. My boyfriend has told me that he would only consider marrying me if I converted to Judaism.
I was raised Christian. While I have a lot of respect for his beliefs and the traditions he values, I don’t feel comfortable converting to another religion just to meet his expectations.
I’ve tried to express my feelings to him, explaining that I love him and want to find a way for us to be together without having to sacrifice such a core part of who I am. However, he seems firm in his stance, saying that marrying outside of his faith isn’t something he’s willing to do.
This has left me feeling torn because I don’t want to lose him, but I also don’t want to compromise my beliefs and values.
Should I break up with him over this?
— A Way Forward
DEAR A WAY FORWARD: Sadly, couples often wait to talk about basic values late in their relationships even though things like religion are a key to their future together.
For many followers of the Jewish faith, children are not Jewish unless their mother is Jewish, which is likely why your boyfriend is so adamant about you converting. He has made his stance clear. It is unlikely that he will change his mind, and if he does, he will likely resent you.
If you are unwilling to convert to Judaism, he is showing you to the door. Free yourself to find a partner who accepts you for who you are.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
