DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our local movie theater offers free refills of popcorn and drinks. My family members insist on getting these refills after every movie to take home with them.
As they get their refills, I stand back and feel embarrassed to be in their party, because I believe the refreshments are meant to be enjoyed during the film. I also worry about the already-high concession prices going up if everybody did this.
Are they acting inappropriately, or am I just being too anxious?
GENTLE READER: How very clever of your family members to notice that management did not say the refills were only for consumption on premises. The theater presumably also did not specify that the offer expired after the film, but we all know what they meant.
Miss Manners is confident that prices will continue to go up no matter what your relatives do, but she will think of them the next time she sees a wall of small print at the concessions stand.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoyed a very happy marriage for 30 years, despite the fact that his mother never liked me and did what she could to undermine our relationship.
Last month, we were vacationing in Sri Lanka when he died suddenly in his sleep. Of course I cut the trip short, but even so, it took five days for me to get home. Those days were spent complying with local legalities, arranging for him to be cremated and for his ashes to be returned to the States, and rebooking an international flight.
I would have been uncomfortable having people hear about his death while I was still halfway around the world, so I waited until I was safely home and then immediately notified his family and mine. I also ran an obituary in the local newspaper.
His mother is absolutely livid with me for not telling her for five days. She wrote me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book and even hinted that I may have had something to do with his demise.
Of course I am not going to respond to her, but did I do wrong by delaying the announcement? Is there a rule that says that his family was entitled to immediate notification?
GENTLE READER: There is no formula that will answer your question with a number of hours or days, just as there is no excuse for a mother-in-law sending a vicious email to a grieving widow.
But there is certainly a duty to convey such news promptly, and telling your husband’s mother should be a significantly higher priority than running an obituary.
Being halfway around the world, grieving, feeling alone and overwhelmed, and perhaps also being in shock all combine to excuse some delay. However, access to technology erodes this excuse.
It is well to remember that delay is, itself, hurtful — so much so that if past mistreatment by your mother-in-law figured in your choice not to call her sooner, that reflects poorly on you, not her.
[The same letter was in the Dear Abby column last month. Here’s Abby’s response.]
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
